Now, as I said before, ever since I came on board with the Mutant Reviewers staff just shy of a year ago, it seems that literally everyone I know has a film they want me to see. My parents, my friends, people who just randomly start emailing me I’ve flooded with requests, and our forum’s Big List still has quite a few of suggested review features still left missing. But then again, out of all the films that were suggested for me to watch, I would say that reviewing The Pit was probably the most fun I had watching a movie.
The genesis of this was my friend’s drunken storytelling, particularly one tale where another friend of mine, D, spoke about a childhood movie he watched. In this film, a boy stumbled upon a gnome pit and started feeding these gnomes people he certainly disliked. The thing is, D’s memory is struck with all types of fog, and it makes the borders of his imagination and reality indistinct. So, let’s just say there was plenty of skepticism about his claims. Claims that didn’t last long once he discovered a VHS copy on eBay, which we all know is essentially a garage sale for the world. With a nice, swift auction, I was ready for the terrors of The Pit, which is exactly why I must say my thank yours to my friend, D, or how the new generation says it “home boy D.”
The Pit, I am confident, is the only film to utilize the word “Trollolog.” Now, just think about that for a second. Try saying it a few times. I can’t help but feel that it is such a great word that if I could write this review using only Trollolog, it is the only word that would appear on this page. However, the phrase trollolog is just one of the many reasons for you to check out The Pit. Trust me.
I must warn you. This particular film is so retarded that I am going to provide spoilers for the entire film. So if you actually want to keep as much magic intact as possible, feel free to scroll on. But seriously, how many of you are willing to go out of your way and hunt down a twenty-three year old low budget horror movie? Exactly, that’s what I thought.
The storyline of The Pit is a magnificently convoluted creature. Aside from the scene preceding the title credits, which is stolen in totality from a point later in the movie, the first thirty minutes of The Pit resembles those Time-Life films featuring Aaron Spelling that had a compulsive tendency to be titled “A Mothers Pain” or something like it and focused on the endeavors of parenting difficult children. Out main character, Jamie, is perhaps the most dysfunctional 12 year old who looks and sounds like John-Boy Walton.
Before getting into the plot of the film, I want to highlight somethings pertaining towards Jamie. Whenever Jamie is not talking to his Teddy (who speaks back with an intimidating voice), which he spends most of his time doing, he paradoxically has this “Aw, shucks” cornbread Americana kiddy thing going on. Further digging tells me that Sammy Synders, who plays Jamie in the movie, also starred into the serialized TV show version of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn so if you try to place yourself in that movie as Tom Sawyer: The Serial Murder Years, you’re essentially there “Golly gee ma, I do not want to paint no fence, so I estimate I will just have to push you down this gnome filled cavern instead.” So for the most part, Sammy does play an eccentric kid.
We learn that Jamie, who is 12 years old, is also a sexual obsessive, is incessantly bathed by his mother, speaks to a variety of invisible friends, and has much longer and wider conversations with his teddy bear. I guess explains much why he has absolutely no friends and all the rest of the kids think he’s a nutcase.
As an extract from Good Parenting, to solve this issue Jamie’s family promptly relocated to Seattle, placing young and attractive college Psychology major Sandy as their live in housekeeper and childcare provider. However, leaving a sexually compulsive 12-year-old boy in the care of a pretty 21-year-old female undergraduate creates some tension, but surely that couldn’t result in disaster.
Nope. Unfortunate for Jamie, who already has the middle aged school Liberian on his radar, gets an infatuation on his new child-caretaker. To catch the new sitter’s attention Jamie starts using antics such as Snooping under her bed and throwing a sleep-over party while pretending to be her favorite child, waiting for the perfect moment when she comes out in her nightgown to shower, and instead of asking her for a glass of water along with overexposing her. Lastly, the classic “while she’s in the shower get into the bathroom and write ‘I Love You’ on the mirror with lipstick, while getting a glimpse through the shower curtains.”
The unfortunate truth for Jamie is Sandy already has her college boyfriend who isn’t completely insane and twice her age, and as one would expect he is not pleased.
In his last bid to win her over, Jamie pulls out his winning card revealing a little-known fact about himself. He claims to have found a woods that has a hole in it that is inhabited by Trollologs. Yes, you heard that right, Trollologs. This is the part where we switch out of a Hallmark made-for-TV Drama and head straight into the realm of absurdity.
Sandy certainly doesn’t think he can Pit Gnomes because Jamie has already shown that he’s madder than a cut snake. Gnomes, as troubled Sandy shudders, really don’t make sense at all. In an effort to make conversation, Jamie as the highly concerned individual that he is, wonders what the gnomes do eat? Since there is no way out of the pit gnomes so conveniently find themselvesd in. To which. Sandy very thoughtfully explains that they probably like chocolate bars. And off with Jamie heads to the pit in the woods (obviously yellow in color) and throws down a ton of chocolate bars to the Trollologs (who we see lurking down there, but have yet to be revealed in all their glory) who, much to Jamie’s displeasure, appear to not care even slightly about his candy.
Jamie purchases five dollars worth of hamburger meat from the butchers, which he tosses on the floor for the Trollologs to sniff out. Pleased that he now understands their preference, Jamie begins to give them helps. He runs out of money rather quickly and is forced to start stealing from Sandy. Once that becomes too dangerous, Jamie is left with a troubling question how does one feed evil pit dwelling beasts? After the side twitching image of a twelve-year-old attempting to pull two tons worth of cow to the pit and shove it down to them (which fails, as no eleven year old can lift up a cow), and after consulting my teddy bear closely, Jamie realizes that he can only feed the Trollologs by Gicing them humans. I’m not a psycho though, because I can justify it to Teddy that I will only be shoving horrible people down the pit.
This results in some of the best moments ever recorded on film. We realize that Jamie knows a secret about his town and that 99% of the population do not seem to be able to see the enormous holes on the forest floor which is visible in broad daylight. His first victim chases Jamie into the forest after he takes her bike. In her haste to get it back from Jamie, she storms across the clearing with no regard to the massive void in front of her, and falls to her doom laden with Trollolog.
Now, we have the old lady that is blind and in a wheelchair, Jamie’s bike was taken away because of her. While she may be in a wheelchair, it did not stop Jamie from rolling her into the forest and tossing her away for the Trollologs to catch. Sandy, however, convinces her college boyfriend Todd to go out and try to play football with Jamie to try and bond with him. After taking Todd to a clearing loaded with obstacles, Jamie tells him to go deep while holding the football. Todd dashes across the open space completely unaware of a pit that was twelve feet wide, and he truly ended up ‘going deep’ but in an altogether different way.
School bully Freddy, who did not let Jamie join his group, is one of the lamest Halloween myths of them all. When Freddy’s girlfriend passes out after witnessing her boyfriend eaten, Jamie assumes she is a bad person and rolls her off as well.
In her attempts to reason with Jamie, who has become overly obsessed with her, Sandy strikes a bargain agreeing to accompany him to see the Trollologs if he stops expressing his love for her and requesting her pictures. Incredibly, the Trollologs do turn out to be real. Just when she was about to announce her discovery of life-saving cave gnomes, Sandy accidently steps off the incline of the pit and, in the process of Jamie trying to rescue her, ends up as Trollolog meat. And that’s the end of our heroine.
Jamie is destroyed at the fact that his love was devoured by the gnomes. Just when he thought things couldn’t get worse, he begins to see Sandy’s ghost which is not great for his mental health. Now when Jamie’s parents return from Seattle, Jamie claims that Sandy’s new boyfriend Todd is responsible for all the disappearances. Now, Jamie is still worried about the diet of these man eating creatures that lurk in the forest. He acknowledges that while throwing people into the pit is out of the question, giving them a rope to climb out and hunt for themselves is fine. This, among other things, is what reveals the Trollologs to us in broad daylight, and let me tell you, this town is in for a severe attack from four Ewoks, and boy is it a sight to see.
The Ewok-o-logs execute some travelers and laze around the lakeside, letting young lasses strip off their bikinis first, of course. The police gets alerted, and a farmer soon discovers a Trollolog being attacked. A squad of farmers slowly begins to form and I do mean slowly the farmer is talking to the police, the camera cuts away, then suddenly there is 12 men equipped with shotguns. At once, they all march into the woods. Then comes, get this, the single most cruel delight for everyone who hated the Ewoks in Jedi and mercilessly gunned down that one Ewok shot by the scout walker, which is farmers stalking the gnomes through the woods, guns packed. The furry monstrosities desperately scramble back and take cover in their hidey hole to avoid getting shot. Turns out that is not the wisest course of action, as these farmers presumably do not suffer from the same retinal defect as the rest of the village. They notice the massive hole, peer down, surround it, and commence pumping the Trollologs full of lead from a safe distance, which makes for a thrilling climax, let me tell you.
And regarding Jamie and the enigmatic Teddy? Jamie proceeds to live with his grandparents. Teddy is not explained in any way whatsoever. There’s a little twist at the end that I have omitted for your sake in case you do get to see this film (and really, you should see this film if given the opportunity), but that’s pretty much the ending of the movie. Everything about it, from the acting to the script, the effect and plot, is all platinum comedy material and as scary as wearing a hat.
So much more classsic moments have been captured in The Pit that I have avoided because this review is already astounding. If you get a chance to see this film, I highly recommend you do; you will not regret it.
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