I recently finished reading the Ultimate Spiderman, a ‘remake’ of The Amazing Spiderman series, slingshotted into the 2000s by updating the era to make it accessible to a younger generation.
The original Spiderman was published in the 1960s, where high school ‘jocks’ took cheerleaders to the school dance to do the Cha-Cha; now, Peter Parker is hip to the internet.
In much the same way, the 2000 film release of Spiderman was meant to cash in on the renovated franchise, with Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst playing the lead roles of Peter Parker and Mary Jane, respectively. The story has pretty much stayed the same, with a genetically engineered spider (instead of a radioactive one) biting Parker, thus giving him all its spiderly powers.
It’s a ridiculous concept and is the cause of a lot of drunk college kids sticking their arms in spiderwebs. When you’re a kid, though, it makes perfect sense.
The film version of Spiderman is embarringly bad. I genuinely felt bad for Spiderman. Even the actors in the film seemed self conscious about spewing the excrable dialogue and reacting to CGI graphics.
It’s bad all over. Even William Dafoe, playing the Green Goblin, a notoriously good actor, has to make-do with the script that leaves him cackling unconvincingly and walking around, looking stoned.
Spiderman has so many CGI scenes, especially in the second half of the movie, that it’s difficult to feel any connection with the plot or turn of events, in my opinion.
My opinion doesn’t agree with the movie going public, as the film was a massive success, pulling in over $400 million in its theatre run. Had it been any other superhero, this film would have gone over like a lead zeppelin.
One of the worst parts of the movie is the craptastic, contrived romance between Parker and Mary Jane. Nevermind that Maguire spouts horrificly cheesy lines in that gaspy whisper that is supposed to be his speaking voice. Nevermind that the idea of them falling in love is predictable and ridiculous from the start, and forced upon us like the asscrack of a plumber bending over your sink.
No, for me Kirsten Dunst took a bad movie and single handedly sunk it into Tasman Sea. My God, she butchered a role that could have been adorable! First, she looks like someone’s aunt, and can hardly pass for a high school girl.
She was Dyno mite in Interview with the Vampire, cute in Jumanji, and acutely poignant in The Virgin Suicides. She’s 24, but looks 32 in Spiderman. I think they cast her for the cleavage and the cleavage soaked in the rain. Ughh..
There are so many reasons to ignore this movie, and its subsequent sequels, for the canon of the Spiderman Legacy. Instead, go back in time and read the comics in 1962. Or, lacking a time machine, read the Ultimate Spiderman a story done well, with mounting suspense, witty inner dialogue and a well timed story.
At some point in the movie, when The Green Goblin and Spiderman were facing off against each other, I took a deep breath, thought about it, and realized that I was watching a movie about these men in tights battling with computer graphics. What a miserable turn of events I would have been better entertained by pouring honey on my face and lying facedown in an anthill.
I say: If I ever have the misfortune to watch this movie again, I’ll have to smother myself with a pillow. That’s the only honorable way to get out of it.
See it for: Moderately interesting fight scenes and William Dafoe yelling at himself like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
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