Other than the students, St. Trinian’s, what actually is known as a university, which we are 101% sure it is not. Even if you try to ignore that the premises is dilapidated beyond repair, the basic level of education sufficed by the doe-eyed sociology lecturer, Julie, is at best a low-budget VHS version of a Sesame Street spin-off that was smuggled out of North Korea. The most astounding part of her class is, and we swear to God this is true, What in the news can you talk about? We definitely mean that in the most condescending way possible when we say we are inspired by Stand and Deliver.
No one shall ever drink beer and attend worthless sociology schools forever, which makes me wonder why this movie attempts to do so. Splatter University definitely makes me envision brain-damaged freshmen getting drunk at some bar, downloaded together with cumbersome lengthy meetings on how to tweak the curriculum. In due course the killer stops whining and gets off his ass, blasting off co eds to the sweet sounds of Concerto for Electrolyzed Tuba in J Minor.
That girl’s scream for a full minute with a windpipe completely severed is a delightful party trick (it’s a shame she can only perform it once). Very sporting of the killer to drag her body back there only so that developmentally disabled chap could psych himself into a quiet rage.
Despite all of the boredom, Richard Haines goes to great lengths to maintain the enigma of who the killer is (and while we know he is the escaped mental patient, we never get to see his face.) Hmmm, Is it the generic guy that literally every character believes to be the perpetrator of the previous murders? The one who was dating the last teacher that was murdered? Or perhaps it’s the deranged priest in a wheelchair that enjoys peeping from his office window to throw used porno magazines into the dumpster behind the school before praying over them? Now that’s puzzling. Well, the real question is how does the priest that runs the entire college get to wander around town with all of the unsolved murders and never get recognized.
Splatter University is a college degree in shooting yourself in an endless loop in the process of creating a slasher film. The good idea is reserved for the very last shot when Father Schizophrenic is given away thanks to his bleeding Jesus on a cross novelty knife. Alright, it is not a great idea but continued flagellation here offers sufficient novelty, so it is a flash of brilliance. Crammed credits including (of all things) a screenwriter who contributed. Let us pray for him, did add the Jesus knife, otherwise he better not ever step a foot on a film set again.
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